Do my "friends" really care?

I don't know anymore. I feel like no one knows me anymore or understands or cares. Without alyssa i dont really hang out with anyone. I have this one girl samantha...but the only time we hang out is when she has some room in her car. I always feel awkward whenever i talk to people. I dont really feel comfortable with anyone and i never feel like i belong. I do have friends but i feel like they don't like me very much.
I hate myself at times and feel worthless. and i KNOW i'm not but just feel like it sometimes. its weird. I need alyssa to be there more but she cant. we're so different and i wish we could be closer. i wanna be like friends that hang out everyday and not choose a boyfriend over her best friend. I wanna hag out with different people or the people i used to be able to hang with. Life is going haywire. I keep getting more and more confused. things r happening that are so awful i just want to cry with a friend and just talk about life. I need someone i can talk to about everything and anything. Its so hard being a teenager...I sometimes wish that i could just dissappear.
I need to get a handle on life and just figure out everything. and talk. and cry and laugh and just be me without trying to cover it up with my shyness. I'm sick of being shy but its not something you just get over like that. and i've been trying but its hard with everyone in this world judging you.......
I'm really am just kinda sick of waiting for my life to start.

Goals:
Not take life 4 granted
LIVE
Laugh Love
Make sure who my real friends are.
Tell people how i really feel
Figure out what i wanna do
Not be shy
Write.
Take lotz of photos
Swim harder & faster

gosh idk waht else but i'll think of something.